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So, to put it lightly, it has been a while. I looked back to see where we left off, and it was over three years ago!

I did write posts since then, I just never posted them. Some because they didn't turn out the way I thought or I was waiting to get photos off my computer. The underlying reason why sharing didn't happen was because I was in a state of change that I simply didn't feel was settling enough for me to make sense of it, let alone put it into words for someone else to see.

Quick synopsis: I moved out, I chose my major (Global Studies), I stated dating a man named Patrick, I saw Fall Out Boy, transferred to university, moved again, went to France, and as of 4 days ago, have graduated from that said university.

I also got into a lot of shows and scrap booking. Soft side note.

So what brought me here was a conglomeration of things. Having this milestone accomplished has made me realize, oh shit, I need to do something different don't I? It may not seem like it  but in the last three years, not too much has changed. I still teach at the preschool, I still wake up at 7 am every morning (even weekends), and despite how confident I was about being a librarian, I still do not know what my "career" will be. I actually need to quit putting career in quotation marks. This weekend I saw that the ideas of internships, professional development, and news paths are not hypothetical. I have a bachelor of arts degree and it is practical for people to use the information they have to better themselves and those around them. Especially the information and experiences that you paid for.

But when we left off, I was just starting to live out of my parental home, but also taking up the burden of living costs and university costs. This "oh shit" moment resulted in a cheetah-like strategy of saving as much as I could so I could pay my tuition in full, which I did for five semesters. I took extra shifts, I watched children, houses, and fur babies. I even added cleaning houses to my repertoire, which I still love with my cleaning/organizing brain. 

But as I graduated, I realized a couple things. I didn't have a lot of new friends like so many of my peers. Which is fine, but sometimes offsetting. I was stressed out about what I still needed to do on my to-do list, when I had taken the day off to celebrate with my family and friends. I realized that I stepped out of my comfort zone in tiny gekko steps when others were frogs leaping from puddle to puddle. I wish I could jump in puddles with no fear of getting wet.

I hope this isn't coming off as whiny or selfish. I just want to be honest. And I know that in social media, I am always trying to put a positive spin on my life. Show the good parts, tell the funny stories, express my opinions in a way that people would be proud of me. But on the other side of that screen, I am troubled, friends. I feel lost. Even though I have succeeded in a lot of things and leveled up my adulting game, I know I have overlooked a lot, like not making more meaningful connections when I had the chance, or working more for now rather than investing in opportunities that meant so much to me.

I don't know if it's the vast directions one can go at 22, the imposing decisions I will need to make, or if I've just been discontent for a long time. Maybe all the above. But all I know is my soul needs something more. And I can't find that in anything but me.

The Panic! At The Road Trip

Hello! I am ready to share some events with you because I actually had the opportunity to do some cool things. I have been looking forward to this for quite some time. I went on a road trip with Katie, Kelly, and Erin. The purpose was to see Panic! At The Disco, 21 Pilots, Fitz and the Tantrums, and Walk the Moon. We just had to drive a few hours to reach the city; it went quite fast. We ate a picnic lunch at a a sculpture park. 

I climbed one of the sculptures and captured this side of Erin and Katie.

Vouge.

Rouge. (With reason.)

Katie captured the pursuit of the blue-bill.

Katie's as well.
We chilled in the hotel room by watching the end of Gravity and getting cleaned up for the concert. I didn't take that many pictures or video because I didn't have the best view and I also was dancing. I really enjoyed the whole concert and all of the performances. Twenty One Pilots really blew me away! Tyler Joseph has this amazing voice the includes rapping, singing and a bit of screaming. It was seamless and something I could never experience again until I see him live again. And Brendon Urie just made me happy.  He is seriously gorgeous and his voice is even more so. If you follow me on Pinterest, I am sorry for the spamming of him (But not really...;)

We slept in a bit and enjoyed our breakfast before heading out to explore. Our first stop was this amazing greenhouse. It cost just a dollar to get in and we had the place to ourselves the whole time.:)

This was all just the little park out front.

This is where Brendon and I will get married. :D

Erin, doing what she does.

Kelly, being amazed like all of us.

Our whole gang! They had a little balcony we were allowed to climb up. 

Selfie! (Taken by Katie)

We then ventured to the art museum.

One of the pieces was set on a timer and I caught Kelly's true reaction.

We then grabbed some pizza and began our trek home.

My dad let us take his mustang who was unnamed. We named her Rosamnd, Ross for short. 

So. That concludes that most jam packed yet relaxing weekend. This was quite a lot for two days but it was so enjoyable. I had never been on such an extensive road trip on my own with three amigas. It was empowering, us all working together, navigating and planning this all out. I am happy I went with these peeps! The live music also just re-energized my spirit. I cannot stop listening to Panic and twenty one pilots, but it sucks because it cannot compare to how true they sounded that night.

I feel like I will be more willing to go out of my way to see artists I like. Even if it seems like a lot to handle, I just need to do it. I won't regret it. I know now how live shows make me feel. 

Absolutely INFINITE. 

Happy Four Years....I suck

Sup. The video kinda explains most of it. I have been blogging for four years and after the crazy of this weekend passes, I will delve into details and funny stories after. My grandparents are coming, working from 7:15-6, online classwork, I gotsa put that first. For now. I hope you all are well, please let me know if you have any updates in the comments or even email me at ms.rebeccamarie@gmail.com because I really have missed the cool pen-pal-like friendships with you!

First
Second
Third
Fourth

.No song, but headphones on.
The Day:
.woke up around 6:30, work at 7:15 one of my kids put on her blanket and said "I'm a burrito"
.worked with my twos until I went on the field trip to help with the older kids, swimming! High board, twice.;)
.went back to twos, worked until 6. Came home to a package of early birthday presents for certain peeps...
.Home. Attic shopped. Found handcuffs. Came down to write this blog.
. Same height, though hair is longer! 2 feet from root to tip.:)

Peace out-girl (or boy) scouts!

L.O.V.E. & some awkward valentines just for you.

I am blogging angrily. I am angrily blogging. And I am okay with that. Because this isn't a place to look perfect like it used to be. I am human and humans get mad. And I am. I am going to input those funny awkward valentines through out this post to keep you interested because what I I am saying are my true thoughts. You may find them wrong or a yawn, but that is okay. You will like the Valentines. ;)

So, Valentine's Day. Day of Love. That Cupid episode of supernatural, you feel? It is absolute stupidity. At least for most people. Most people throw the word love around like it is money and they are making it rain. Gazillions of roses and chocolate treats are given to women like nobodies biz. People invest  time and money into other people that they either really love or just want to make them happy so they can get what they want. I have seen endless posts all over of people extending romantic gestures today. Sappy words all describing their boyfriends as always making them smile, laugh and for treating them better than anyone else.

This was from Katie via Pinterest

They all have said the. exact. same. thing. If you really love them, don't you think it would be something bigger than cliches and reused phrases? And if you do, do you really need to express that love to all your followers on whatever social media you are sharing your valentine's loveliness? And if you really love them, don't you think they might want something other than what everyone else typically gets on this day? Honestly, I'd rather have a thoughtful gift carefully selected from my "Fangirl Essentials" board than flowers.

Oh, goodness, these are super awk.

I am not in love or "in love", meaning artificially disintegrating into a sticky end. Some in relationships are there just so they aren't alone with themselves. I always hated that song lyric that goes like, "I will love you until you learn to love yourself." I thought, how wrong is that?! Why do you think your affections can change how they view themselves, make them love themselves because of your love? 

Hailey texted this to me. I feel loved.

But now I hear something new, just as I read that last sentence. Isn't this similar in a way to the message of Christ?(I don't think that was Ne-Yo's intention, but whatever.) Doesn't he seek out those who see themselves as unworthy of love or anything? I am imperfect and I will never be okay with all my mistakes and stupid things I have said and done. I should hate myself for so many reasons. But I don't. Because Christ chose to love me despite all of that. And it is his love that encourages me to make the right choice, to choose love. I choose love of Him, love of all, and love of me, not matter how much I suck. I have no control over past, but the present and future belong to me, and I chose to give that to God.

Source Fed, you are something...

I have decided to love myself enough to not settle for ooey-gooey love that lasts for a season. I want a person who I can serve in love and that I can encourage to love Christ. 

Let's lighten this post up, shall we?How about a list...:)
Reasons I Am Not Going to Casualy Date.
1. Just to ease my mother's worries of me being lonely. (*cough* Mrs.Bennet *cough*)
2. To get back at or show anyone "I can do better" None of us are better than any other human; we all have the choice to do incredible bad or incredible good.
3. Frankly, I have other goals that require more time and energy; preparing to graduate fro  college with no debt or loans, work on this whole responsible adult thing, oh; and figuring out what degree I should graduate with. That might be a good idea.;)
4. If I cannot be okay with going to a party, movie, shopping, or out to eat by myself, then I would always feel like I cannot be on my own or that I am not worth even doing anything. I simply cannot do that. Not because I am vain and value myself, but because the greatest guy ever tells me I'm good enough.Plus if I cannot make my own fun, how could I ever be help someone else have fun?

Another Hailey. She knows.

 "And seeing as out Father made me, he knows what he is talking about. "One of the greatest evidences of God’s love to those that love him is, to send them afflictions, with grace to bear them." ~ John Wesley

That is the love I desire and this is the love that this world is so desperately in need of. Unconditional love with no strings, and not just with empathy for our stuff in life, but grace and peace to encourage us forward. It is the love that is constantly overshadowed by puppy love.

Locke, you poor guy.

I'm not saying I haven't had that puppy love before and won't again. I just desire to love as Christ did. It may take me a few times to get it right, and that is okay! Not just with a boyfriend or whatever. Everyone deserves Christ's love and if I can be a vessel of that, all I have to do is say yes.

From my cousin. Good one cuz.:)

I apologize for this random spouting of Valentine's Day love thoughts. I just had some thoughts and they needed to get out. I hope you are happy with your special someone, weather that is your best friend, boyfriend, or yo awesome self. You are definitely worth being loved greatly, you already are!

Priorities. You are definitely one.

Howdy! Well, finals is over! So is most of December...man.

I always make huge, general resolutions, like last year. Whenever I write out that I have to do something, even if it is a good thing, I tend to not want to do it. It is not likely that I will pray and always have God on my mind and in my heart constantly this next year. I know I will not have enough time to do yoga every single morning.

This year, I want to prioritize more than anything else. I want to put priority on taking care of myself, my grades, learning more of God, and putting those things in the correct order. I have realized that I am 18, a grown woman, and I still act like a child when it comes to my impulsive prioritizing skills. I am coming up with a game plan to take care of myself without mommy or daddy spotting me.

So my resolutions:

1. Commune with God each day. Whether it is blasting "Oceans" on the way home, praying for peace in stressful parts of the day, or reading my bible reading plan on my phone.
2. Take care of my body. No more emotional or stress eating!!! I get so carried away with that and it needs to end. I worked out specific times to work out within my schedule for the semester intentionally, so no excuses!!! Also, treat myself to painting my nails and pampering myself once in a while.
3. Plan and actually follow through. Start save for moving out costs. Research careers. See my friends more that every two months. Don't bail on social/college ministry  events just because. Blog more than once a month!

So yeah! That basically covers it! I know I will fail sometimes, but attempting to keep with it each time is what will improve me.

I hope you all are having a great break/ Christmas. Mine isn't so grand so I'm at the Library to get some balance. My hermitting was getting to me.;) I had fun with work parties, seeing old friends back from college, Secret Santa, and a photo gig. Finals weren't terrible, we had a bunch of ice days so lots of time! My psych grade wasn't what I desired, so I will just have to be a beast at it in another psych class.;)

Here are some random pictures, yay!

I had the privilege of photographing a 50th anniversary this last Saturday. It felt so official!

Hot Chocolate and one of my Christmas gifts. (The main reason I wanted this specific book is because of Matt's precious face)

Look at the non-straightness of my hair! WHAT?

"My outfit was cute, sadly my face twas not"

Baking by myself= bowl licking party for one. :)

Have you ever been to the library when it first opens? It is soooo peaceful and you get the best place to sit! Pinky swear you will try it in 2014.;)

I really miss you guys and I am so excited for 2014 to up my blogging and blog reading skills. But, I am starting now;)

p.s. I did some html work on the buttons on the left. Most of my picture taking of everyday stuffs has switched to instagrams, so check it out if you are into that.

I am going.

As I am typing this, I am sitting right next to the biography section of my favorite library in my town. I have been thinking a lot of what people will think of when I'm gone. Will I have spent my life playing it safe, or will I have been doing what I and God decided to do with this slice of time I've got here?

I have realized just how comfortable I am here. Same town, same house, same friends for years. I've become so comfortable I have started to suffocate with tradition, familiarity, and pre-conceived notions from myself and those close to me of how my life is supposed to turn. And for once, I am sick of it.

I don't want to stay in this town just to make me or my family comfortable. I want to go where God wants to make me so uncomfortable that the only thing familiar in a place of new faces, new rules, and new responsibilities, is Him.

It is ridiculous to stay just because it is easy. Even though I planned to going out of town after community college, I am getting comfortable again and was reconsidering staying. Weather that happens or not, I want to intentionally move away, see the far corners of the earth, or even just a dusty town one state away.

Living with intention, on my terms is my new goal. If I want it and it falls in line with God's word, is there any reason not? No.

So I am going, not sure where or why, but it is certain. And I will still be here, reading your words and being with you guys every step of the way.

p.s. The best part of going is that I am not going away from you guys. We might even be closer!:D

New things.

Hello! So lots of new things have been going on.


#1- I teach two-year olds. I taught 3rd grade this summer, so this was a strange transition for me. I really love now! I change diapers, pat and rub little backs to sleep, help them up the playground equipment, wash glitter/paint off every inch of their bodies, and read to, laugh with, and kiss em. They are precious and I will leave it to your imagination how cute and smart they are.

#2- I started classes at my local community college. I really love it as well, but at the beginning I had some major freak-outs.  I am taking 13 hours just to start out and will take 16 next semester. All my teachers are grand, but I will be changing the timing of my classes now that my work schedule is set in place.

#3- I have narrowed my major possibilities to four majors. Social work, psychology, library science, youth ministry, and English. I really want to look into school to transfer to and for that I need to declare something. I just want to choose what ever God is calling me to. I know He will bring me where He wants me to be in His time.

#4-I miss my friends. Not just the ones that left town, but those that I don't see anymore because our schedules are so busy. Luckily, I watched The Fellowship of The Ring with Drew and caught up. I really missed him and now I'm on my way to understanding all the LOTR references.:) I really really REALLY miss my amigos, like Hailey, Bethany and Erin, :''( I also miss my youth friend that are still in middle and high school. :''(

Lake day!!!

Faint at the cuteness.:D

Bell ringing with Anna for Christmas in July:)

#5-I got a major electronics upgrade. I have a smart phone, which equals Instagram!! (msrebeccamarie) I love being able to use Google Maps instead of getting painfully lost.:) I also got a Dell laptop and it is the love of my life, like my current desktop!

#6-Chuck Bartowski is my favorite. He is the new "You-must-this-nerdy-and-adorable" level for me to marry you. The best part of him is that he is literally Zachary Levi. <3 a="" been="" chuck="" classic="" good="" i="" p="" show.:="" some="" spy="" such="" ve="" watching="">
#7- I ordered the perfect comforter. It is perfect and will be here on Thursday hopefully!


#8-Even though this all sounds good on here, I am struggling with finding my place. If you are a prayer, a prayer for me would really be wonderful. I am struggling with future decisions, living semi-independently, and my relationship with God. A lot is uncetain and my faith is not what it used to be. I need to be reminded that God is always the same, not matter my circumstances.

Vines

1. Making Art With The Erin, The Katie, and The Kelly
2. World's Longest Tickle Fight
3. Fangirl Down {David Tennant Edition}
4. Stephen Making my Halloween Costume {WARNING, very adorable}

I hope you all are well! I am working on catching up and commenting on all your blogs and I will!!!:) Have a great Monday tomorrow guys!