Cause you can be anything you want tonight.

Dear reader.
You may or may not have seen this post but it has happened again. I have been facing something for weeks now and I just recently started talking about it. It is a colossal heartbreak on so many levels, I didn't know who would shut me out and who I could trust.

Sometimes frustration, loneliness, and nostalgia just pile up into one big bowl of stuff. And it really really sucks. It hurts so bad that you feel you will never stop crying, you will never get out of bed, even though you will never be able to fall asleep either. I didn't know how I can go on, after I've messed up so much and now I'm paying for it.

So I called a good friend. I couldn't bear this alone, not anymore. So I told my friend all that I was thinking, regretting and wishing. This person said that what changed their life was when they accepted that they were so weak, and that they could never make this better. Then they accepted that God could, even if it was not immediate or in the way you thought it would be resolved.

I said thanks and good-bye and we hung up.

 
This song started playing in my head then.(aka, press play.;)

Sunday, January 13th, 2013

I am Rebecca, age 17 years and 10 months.I don't know how to explain this.(But I will obviously be trying.)

God just saved my life again. He took it away. The painful memories.I think of something and my heart doesn't ache with nostalgic longing.

Brething tastes cool, fresh, and sweeter than any air I have ever breathed. I am crying, but it is because I am happy.I am so so happy!I feel like laughing like Rafiki in the Lion King, but I think that might alarm my parents.=D I need to write this down.Because God's grace and unwavering love deserves documentation. He actually deserves more than just that, but this is what I can give.

Have I mentioned how wonderful it is to breathe?! God took away my pain. He didn't numb it. He ended it. It is finished. It was finished when Christ died on the cross for me. My heart beat has never felt so good. Gd is the greatest. I feel so good.

God will heal you. Give Him your pain. I took pictures of me crying and I asked god to take away something I've been holding on to as I deleted each one. The last one was a pretty picture. I deleted it and asked God to take the hurt & the pain. 

I sat in silence, holding the camera and said the things that reminded me. 

Nothing. I feel no regret, loss, pain.
            I feel peace, relief, and joy.
 & I've got a life ahead of me.  
And you know the next thing I felt. Joy. Joy!? After all that, God blessed me with joy? How can he be so full of grace and mercy to give me peace, and joy?

I don't think I will ever know, and that is okay.

 I texted the person I was talking too, and they were so happy.:) And I was too.

The problem isn't resolved yet. But my heart is.There is this incredible peace and even when feelings of regret arise, my trust and hope in God kicks it in the butt, I guess you could say.:D I wrote in my journal and fell asleep, still in my clothes, but smiling until I fell asleep.

I can't share many details of what was bothering me, but I wanted to share the raw feeling of God's power that I felt that night.

And I have felt so much better ever since and I hope that whatever you are facing in your life, you can feel this loved too.:)

Happy 3-day weekend everyone.:)