I did write posts since then, I just never posted them. Some because they didn't turn out the way I thought or I was waiting to get photos off my computer. The underlying reason why sharing didn't happen was because I was in a state of change that I simply didn't feel was settling enough for me to make sense of it, let alone put it into words for someone else to see.
Quick synopsis: I moved out, I chose my major (Global Studies), I stated dating a man named Patrick, I saw Fall Out Boy, transferred to university, moved again, went to France, and as of 4 days ago, have graduated from that said university.
So what brought me here was a conglomeration of things. Having this milestone accomplished has made me realize, oh shit, I need to do something different don't I? It may not seem like it but in the last three years, not too much has changed. I still teach at the preschool, I still wake up at 7 am every morning (even weekends), and despite how confident I was about being a librarian, I still do not know what my "career" will be. I actually need to quit putting career in quotation marks. This weekend I saw that the ideas of internships, professional development, and news paths are not hypothetical. I have a bachelor of arts degree and it is practical for people to use the information they have to better themselves and those around them. Especially the information and experiences that you paid for.
But when we left off, I was just starting to live out of my parental home, but also taking up the burden of living costs and university costs. This "oh shit" moment resulted in a cheetah-like strategy of saving as much as I could so I could pay my tuition in full, which I did for five semesters. I took extra shifts, I watched children, houses, and fur babies. I even added cleaning houses to my repertoire, which I still love with my cleaning/organizing brain.
But as I graduated, I realized a couple things. I didn't have a lot of new friends like so many of my peers. Which is fine, but sometimes offsetting. I was stressed out about what I still needed to do on my to-do list, when I had taken the day off to celebrate with my family and friends. I realized that I stepped out of my comfort zone in tiny gekko steps when others were frogs leaping from puddle to puddle. I wish I could jump in puddles with no fear of getting wet.
I hope this isn't coming off as whiny or selfish. I just want to be honest. And I know that in social media, I am always trying to put a positive spin on my life. Show the good parts, tell the funny stories, express my opinions in a way that people would be proud of me. But on the other side of that screen, I am troubled, friends. I feel lost. Even though I have succeeded in a lot of things and leveled up my adulting game, I know I have overlooked a lot, like not making more meaningful connections when I had the chance, or working more for now rather than investing in opportunities that meant so much to me.
I don't know if it's the vast directions one can go at 22, the imposing decisions I will need to make, or if I've just been discontent for a long time. Maybe all the above. But all I know is my soul needs something more. And I can't find that in anything but me.
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